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Designing Self Confidence For Women

I remember being a teen, going through puberty, sweating, stinky and pimpled. Even after I emerged on the other side of womanhood a beautiful young lady, those insecurities never fully went away. I spent high school feeling fat, ugly and undesirable. I looked in the mirror and didn’t see beautiful. I only saw faults, things to change, and what was wrong with this picture.

The experts say confidence all mental, and that 90% of body confidence is in your head, not how you look. And I can see how most people believe that is true. I have one friend, big, bald, and sexy as hell. She enters a room and you know it, and you gravitate in her direction! She has the illusive IT factor nobody can resist. And it has nothing to do with being a size 4, because she is not. It’s being comfortable in your own skin. She owns her awesome! But how do you get there?

It’s no fun, looking in the mirror and seeing what you believe, not what’s truly shining back at you. I’ve written up with a few tips I’ve learned over the years to combat those moments when you slip back into insecurity. These are action steps, physical things you can do to prove you’re as awesome as your friends keep telling you!

Enter my unorthodox list of things to do NOW to look and feel fabulous!

1. Prepare: I’m the queen of air traffic controlling everything in my life. It all gets done, precisely when it’s due, but not before. So if I don’t have an inkling of what I am going to wear, how do I know if it still fits? I used to go into my closet, certain of the outfit I wanted to wear, only to find that I’m bloated, or recently been waylaid by the Girl Scouts and packed on a few pounds, and must pick something else in an instant. All my well laid plans gone to waste because I didn’t have a pre-outfit check in the list of things to do today! No MORE! Now I try on all the options, do a mirror check (slightly tilted to give me a slimmer look to compensate for the “I look fat” subconscious negative self talk). Like Nike says, just do it! The certainty that you’re all set will also carry through your outing and shine through your smile.

2. Dress Well: There’s a reason that Nordstrom will custom tailor anything you buy–because it will look better; AND it will also be un-returnable! But the secret that wealthy women know is that perfect fitting clothes give you confidence. No more waistbands that cut into your side, pulling seams, or worse a little camel toe! I’m a short girl, but petites are just slightly too short for me, and regulars are too long in the body. It’s a no win! There are some designers that fit better than others. Find yours. Just dedicate 4 hours one day to try on something by everyone. For me, Michael Kors understands girls who have junk in all the right places. His clothes make me feel delicious. I still have them tailored for the perfect fit, but even off the rack I’d be rocking the red carpet!

3. Use Tungsten lighting: Have you ever been out with friends or a date and went to use the ladies room, then stood at the sink, under the florescent lights and looked at yourself and thought, “ugh!” It’s not you, I promise! It’s the awful lighting. Not even supermodels look good in that lighting. So bypass the sink and carry purell in your purse! Much better on your hands and ego! You can avoid the lines and get back to your fun quicker too!

4. Smile: Nothing screams confidence more than a smile. Start smiling at strangers. Compliment people you don’t know, at random, whenever you see something you like, or shoes (my personal favorite! Tangent: the only thing I learned how to say in Italian class was, “Hey baby, cute shoes.” “ciao belle scarpe carino”) I love the looks I get. And I also know that sometimes the compliment I give them is the only one they’ve had all week, or longer. You see their eyes light up and that makes you feel fantastic. You did that! You gave someone a great day.

5. Engage: Your mind is your most beautiful feature. And while you would think that talking about yourself would be the best way to show that, it’s your ability to listen and ask questions that draw your conversation partner further into the conversation that is the key to likability. I once had a conversation with a fascinating person in the entertainment industry. All I did was ask about them. To this day, they adore me, not because of who I am, but because of how I make them feel–heard!

6. Personal Branding: Have a professional photographer take new headshots every year so they are current and look like you! Let that professional image be the image you burn into your mind, not the sideway, lowlight, triple chin, demon eye snapshot someone just posted on Facebook (untag yourself and ask for it to be taken down!). When you use your own photos and spread them far and wide, you tell them what to think about you, you control your personal brand. So let that be your calling card! And while you are at it, do a boudoir shoot! Trust me, I used to be 50 lbs lighter but still felt fat (at a size 4) and wouldn’t let one of the worlds best photographers take my picture. I wanted to lose a few pounds. Instead I missed out on the opportunity! And if I’d only done it when I was 20!!! I can’t even imagine! I was beautiful and didn’t even know it. Take the pics. You’ll look back on them later and wonder how you could thought anything but how amazing you were! And still are!

7. Be generous: My friend Cami Walker wrote the book, “29 Gifts” and in it she revealed the remarkable healing power of giving. I have a few way I give on a regular basis. I carry protein bars and give them to homeless people. I also give blankets in winter (I collect them year round). I collect entrepreneurial education products for the Curing Unemployment Tour. I’ve given away 5 cars, a dozen computers, countless cell phones, even my old engagement ring (to the then fiancee of my “executive wife”). And while it felt great to give those things of value, its the compliments, hugs, and ideas that I can give everyday that have the real power to transform.

We live in a “See it to believe it” kind of world. And I can see you, inside you, to how great you are. I believe it!

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Adryenn Ashley

Mediagenic producer transforming the way you watch #SocialTV into a fully interactive immersive experience.

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7 Comments

  1. Profile photo of Adrianna
    December 2, 2014

    Having a professional photographer take a photo of you every year. This is really great advice. The photos look so much better. I don’t like candids all the time. Photographers are also always looking for models to increase their portfolio. They are not necessarily looking for supermodels either. You can surf classifieds for ads where they are asking for this. Most of the time they will give you some kind of a copy for free. I had a shoot done down in NYC one time that I paid for. The pictures were amazing. Some photographers are better than others so I do think it is worth it to really take a look to make sure they have a good eye for it.

    Reply
  2. Profile photo of Florence Dupuis
    December 1, 2014

    While the idea behind it this is true, not everyone has the revenues necessary to buy designer clothings. Some don’t even have enough revenues for there to be any point in even just entering such boutiques… But it is true that most things are in the mind thought. It’s all always about how you perceive yourself. Or course, knowing that other people see you a certain positive way might help, give a confidence booster, but in the end it’s all in one’s own mind that the game is played…I find this exilerating and scary all at the same time. Do you know what I mean?

    Reply
  3. Profile photo of Selena
    December 1, 2014

    These are really great suggestions. With the holidays right around the corner it’s nice to have a reminder of just how great we are as women. We all have that unknown fear that we don’t look right, or our clothes don’t fit right, and the whole time it’s just us being insecure and no one else really even thinks or notices that about us. I really enjoyed the comment about the lighting in the bathrooms, I was just thinking this the other day when I used one. Next time I will avoid looking into that mirror.

    Reply
  4. Profile photo of KrystenF
    November 30, 2014

    This was a really great article. My favorite part was on personal branding. I completely agree with everything you said and it is something I am already doing! Thanks for writing such a great piece.

    Reply
  5. Profile photo of jessica
    November 18, 2014

    Hey this blog was a excellent post. Thanks for this I thought I was the only one who experienced these issues. I guess its all just what all women go through never the less this was comforting. Keep writing more post like these. Post like these are essential because most women no matter how good people tell them they look, or how good they think they feel will always have insecurity issues in the back of their minds.

    Reply
  6. Profile photo of Jason Chinnis
    November 7, 2014

    I see that you are right about the self esteem issue. I could remember noticing some of the girls that I went to school with some self esteem issues. All they cared about was that they had to make out and have sex with the football players. I never knew much about self esteem with girls since I never really had a good experience talking to them. I am a guy so this is quite the opposite in some ways for me to deal with. I never really as a guy looked at myself and said that I was handsome because I did not feel that way. I am still trying to work on myself and I have lots more to work on.

    Reply
  7. Profile photo of Scott
    October 19, 2014

    Your statement about the right lighting changing things could not be more true. People often look at the super models and wish they could look like them. Yet, those models don’t usually look like those models. After being airbrushed, re-touched, and lit perfectly, they obtain inhuman standards of beauty. It’s really disheartening for many, especially young girls, because they don’ realize this.

    Reply

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